Lightweight
by pestilent.defiler
Summary: Obviously, repressed Siren Maya doesn't do a lot of drinking. She should probably keep it that way. Written in response to BitterRenegade's writing challenge, week 2. Rated for language and suggestive content, but nothing explicit. Crackfic!


A/N: I never say things like this because it's really trite and cliche, but I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. In all honesty, I've been laughing my ass off all day. Giving credit where it's due, the first *cough* incident was my better half's idea and it was too good not to run with. The espresso gag is of course from Young Frankenstein, and I owe many of the pick-up lines to the internets.

The basic plot (overindulgence and the aftermath) is thanks to BitterRenegade, who issued it as a challenge in the forums. Thanks, lady! This one was a riot.

This is crackfic, kids. My apologies for any egregious insults of character to the various characters. 'Twas all for the lulz.

* * *

Maya awoke with one certainty foremost in her mind- she did not want to be awake. That much she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, but her strong suspicion that a small, diseased animal had crawled into her mouth and died as she slept bore further investigation. She moved her tongue experimentally. Apparently not.

There was a distinctly horrible smell in the air, and her stomach clenched. What the hell was it? She opened her eyes and immediately closed them again, source of smell confirmed. That was one hell of a pile of dirty laundry.

Wait. Back up a second. Maya knew something was awry, but couldn't quite put her finger on it. She opened her eyes again to mere slits and surveyed the room around her. Oh no. No, this wasn't good. Instead of her small but orderly apartment, she was in what could politely be called a skag den with furniture. In addition to Laundry Mountain there were dishes, guns, and half eaten boxes of pizza on every available surface, with an occasional Gun Ho magazine to lend a splash of pizzazz.

For the first time, she noticed a soft snoring coming from behind her on the bed. More alarmingly, Maya realized that she was clad in nothing more than she had been born in. She tried to breathe deeply to stave off her sudden panic. Her head began to pound. She tried to remember the relaxation and centering techniques she had learned at the Abbey, but nothing came to mind but Brother Harker's gentle advice against the consumption of alcohol. And here she'd thought they'd never taught her anything useful.

Sending a silent message of apology to the Harker that still lived in her head, Maya turned slowly. A wide expanse of pale flesh and abundant back hair assaulted her vision. Oh god. Oh no. No, no. She fought against her stomach and won, but just barely. Memory came flooding back.

_._

_I've never been this horny in my life. I've been wandering around Sanctuary ever since Axton got distracted by a pretty young woman and ditched his escort assignment, ie me, halfway to my apartment, and there has got to be someone in this town to scratch this itch once and for all. I'm kind of pissed off at my friends, who keep telling me I'm drunk and I don't really want to make this kind of decision right now…what the hell do they know? And I'm not drunk, damn it. I've only had…well I don't know, but I'm definitely not drunk. _

_Most of the lights in town are off at this hour, but I'm heading toward the one light I see. I giggle at the tilted vending machine that leans against the side of the building the light is coming from. It looks ridiculous there, like it's going to fall down the stairs. Wow, look at all those stairs. Those are a lot of stairs. I've never realized just how stair-like stairs can be. A person could definitely get hurt going down all those stairs, and why is the ground still moving when we've halted Jack's mining operations?_

_Whatever. There's a handrail, so it's all good. See that, Jack? You're not stopping me._

_So the stairs are kind of a challenge, but I'm a badass, I kicked their bitch ass. Asses? Does each stair have an ass of its own or does the staircase have one collective ass? I should ask Moxxi, she knows everything about ass. Zing! I giggle again. _

_"Hey, there, Vault Hunter." The man behind the counter greets me._

_You know, I've never realized just how attractive he is. I fucking love a man with an accent. I bet I would love fucking a man with an accent. _

_"Hey yerself, sexy." Oh hell yeah, am I smooth or am I smooth?_

_"Is there anything I can do for you?"_

_I chuckle seductively. "HEE HEE! Y'know, Marc's, whad I really need right about now is a big... gun."_

_"What kind of big gun?" he says with a wink. Oh yeah, go girl!_

_"A really, really...big gun." I giggle again, accidentally snorting. He probably didn't notice._

_"I've got a pretty big gun you might like, young lady."_

_"Issit a bandit gun? HEE HEE! Y'know, the kind made outta meat?" this innuendo thing is easy! I'm a natural._

_"Oh yeah. I've got just the gun you need, Vault Hunter. It's in my room in the back, let's go."_

.

Maya had never been one to consider suicide, but suddenly she understood the urge. Everyone always said Marcus was a scumbag, but this was pretty low. She more or less crawled out of the bed and dragged herself around the floor, looking for her clothes. Marcus didn't stir, which she was incredibly grateful for. Her clothes were in a pile at the foot of the bed and she quietly donned them, noting in the process that the sleeve of her bodysuit was missing. If it was in here, she didn't want to find it.

Stealthily, Maya crept over the piles of clutter and made her way to the door. She slowly turned the doorknob, wincing at the tiny click it made. She pulled the door open a few inches, then a few inches more. Growing bold with impatience, she opened the door wide enough to allow her passage. It let out an earsplitting screech and Marcus sat straight up in the bed like a giant hairy jack-in-the-box , grinning at her.

"Good time last night, eh? Look, for the record, I didn't know you were a-"

"I don't want to talk about it." She cut him off. "And this never happened, got it?"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, Vault Hunter."

Maya shuddered and walked as fast as her throbbing head could handle through the arms dealer's personal quarters and out to his shop. Behind her, she could hear him yelling.

"Hey, where you going? I was gonna make espresso!"

.

If she could just make it to her apartment, things would be fine. If she was lucky, she might even drown in the shower. She spotted Mordecai sauntering around Pierce Station, looking at something on the roof. For a moment she considered hiding, but that was childish. The older Crimson Raider couldn't possibly know about the…incident with Marcus. She decided to play it cool and greeted him with a nod that she instantly regretted, as it felt like her brain had knocked against the inside of her skull.

"Good mornin', Sunshine!" he called with a friendly wave. "C'mere, I want to ask you somethin'."

She sighed and reluctantly changed course to join him.

"You see those panties up there?" he pointed. Maya followed the direction of his finger and noticed a lacy pink pair of what _could_ be called panties, but she had heard them termed as "ass floss" and tended to agree more with the latter description than the former.

"Yeah, what about them?"

"Tannis flung 'em up there again last night, and she's payin' me to get 'em back for her. Last time I said no, she…nah, you don't wanna know what she did. But it's easier just to get 'em. Between you and me, I think she just wants me touchin' 'em."

Maya tried not to gag. The world swam a little and she looked down from the roof and back at Mordecai.

"What's that got to do with me?"

"Well, see, I don't feel like haulin' my ass up there, and I was wonderin' if you could do your phasey locky thingie and get 'em for me. I'll give you half the dough, whatcha say?"

"Uh, no. Sorry. I can't actually move things. They just kind of…hover."

"Damn." He sighed. "By the way, kiddo, thanks for the ego boost last night."

"What?" Maya asked, but she was fairly certain she didn't want to know.

"Y'know, it makes a man feel good. I haven't had so many women after me since…well, last month actually, but Brick won't think I'm lyin' this time 'cause he was there. So I owe ya one."

_._

_He looks good, damn good. I've always had a bit of a crush on Mordecai and this seems like a great time to flex my flirting muscles. I've never seen him without the goggles on before and I kinda want to just make out with his entire face. _

_I slide sexily into the booth next to him. For some reason he acts like I'm knocking into him hard enough to send Lilith, who's on his opposite side, crashing into the wall. He's such a kidder sometimes. I look into his dark brown eyes and lick my lips._

_"Hey, if it isn't my favorite sniper," I purr. _

_Across the table Zero's helmet flashes ":(" _

_"You know," I continued, "we don't spend a lot of time together, you and me." I trail my fingertips up his thigh._

_He looks thoroughly amused, glancing at Lilith with a smirk. Whatever. He totally wants me. I move in for the kill. Oh man, this is going to be awesome. My hand encounters smooth, delicate fingers and I prod at them, confused. Whoah, Mordecai has really small hands. _

_Why is he snickering? Before I can even register it, the hand I've been prodding at slaps me, hard. I shriek and pull my own hand back, staring at the slight acid burn in the shape of…Lilith's hand. Oh. My sister siren is glaring daggers at me and I put on an innocent look while flapping my hand around in an attempt to stop the stinging. _

_Zero speaks up._

Maya, be careful.

I think Lilith will cut you

Should you continue.

_Gaige snorts into her margarita. "What the hell was that, Zero? That was the worst haiku in the history of ever! I could've done better and I failed lit class twice!"_

_The android assassin shrugs and pours half a beer into his nutrition slot._

_"How many has she had, anyway?" Mordecai turns and addresses Moxxi._

_"What, you're talking to me now, mini-man?"_

_"Only because I know it pisses you off, puta!"_

_Moxxi throws a filthy bar towel at him and he ducks. The towel sails harmlessly by and over Gaige's head to the floor._

_"Two." Salvador supplies from the next table over._

_"Drunk off your ass on two beers?" Gaige snickers. "Lightweight." There are at least three empty margarita glasses in front of her. Apparently Moxxi is refusing to clear this table in protest of her ex's presence._

_"I'm not drunk!" I protest, which seems to fall on deaf ears._

_"Look, spazz lady. This is how you do it." Gaige leans across the table, knocking glasses everywhere and laying on the table to prop her face on her elbows. She looked up at Mordecai and batted her eyelashes._

_"Ahem." She coughs theatrically. "Oh, Mordecai?"_

_"Yes, Gaige?" he replies, lips twitching in amusement._

_"Are you Superman? 'Cause you got buns o' steel."_

_"Shit, Lil, I think you might have some competition here," Mordecai laughs. "What else you got, little girl?"_

_Gaige grins cheekily. "Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you."_

_I can do this. This is easy._

_"Will you hold my teddy bear? 'Cause I'm lost." Genius._

_Three of my companions at the table stare at me, in awe, no doubt. I don't know what the hell Zero is looking at. I never do._

_"I don't think you've got it yet, Maya." Gaige shakes her head sadly. "Pay attention, okay? Oh Mordy dear,"_

_"Don't push your luck," Lilith teases._

_Mordecai kisses her hand, and I slump dejectedly into my seat._

_"Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call _fine print!_"_

_"Brick, you're payin' attention to this, right? Man, I still got it!" Mordecai crows._

_"Yeah, and you can keep it," Moxxi mutters just loud enough to be heard._

_Kreig looks over at us without stopping his arm wrestling match with Brick. _

_"I'M GOING TO STEAL YOUR HEART AND WEAR IT ON MY PANTS!"_

_I try again. "If you fell from heaven would it hurt?"_

_"Sugar, that's just sad." Moxxi pipes up. "Like this, okay? Hey, Axton, sweetie."_

_"Yeah?" he pauses with a dart in his hand._

_"See how I say "Axton", and not "Mordecai-the-asshole-who-doesn't-know-how-to-trea t-a-lady"?"_

_"Funny, all the time I spent with you I never remember seein' a lady," Mordecai spits back._

_Moxxi ignores him and continues, "Axton, if this bar is a meat market, honey you must be the prime rib."_

_"My meat _is_ top notch," Axton says with a bow._

_The whole bar erupts into laughter. I don't get it._

_"You have a good body." I scoot closer to Mordecai. "I'm going to hold it against you."_

.

"Right. Yeah. Don't mention it." Maya started backed away, swallowing convulsively.

She made it about ten feet away before running into Gaige and Scooter when rounding a corner. Scooter let go of Gaige's hand to help Maya up. She brushed off the seat of her pants, trying not to hop around cursing from the pain that radiated from her tailbone.

"Thanks." She said simply, not making eye contact with the younger woman.

"Don' mention it," Scooter replied.

"Morning, Maya," Gaige chirped, a little too much glee in her voice.

Maya looked at her warily, bracing herself.

"Scooter was just talking about you, weren't ya, babe?"

"Yeah, thas right, I was," Scooter grinned. "Didja ever catch that ride you was lookin' for?"

_._

_"I learned somethin' new t'night," I say, strolling nonchalantly into Scooter's garage. I trip over a wrench but manage to catch myself before I fall. I toss my hair back…smooth. I'm so hot he'll totally forget about the wrench thing._

_"What's that, peppernip?" Scooter says, looking up from the dismantled engine he's tinkering with._

_"I learned that, uh, parkin' tickets like you are totally fine." I put on my best seductive look._

_"Uh huh…" he looks at me like I've lost my mind. Whatever. I know what to do, I've seen it on dozens of pin-up calendars._

_There's a shiny purple runner parked right next to me, and I'm going to strut my stuff. I could have been a model, if those jerks at the Abbey hadn't kept me locked up in there my whole life. I step on the front bumper, and start crawling up the hood, doing my best erotic mid-climb motions. This hood is really slippery. _Really_ slippery. Like it's made out of eels. My feet start slipping and I grab for the top of the hood, catching myself. I'm splayed out in a fairly undignified position, but I look back at him with flirtily pursed lips and wiggle my ass._

_I can tell he thinks I did it on purpose and he's into it. If he thinks that's impressive, wait 'til he sees what I've got planned. I hoist myself to the top of the hood and lay flat, tilting my head back to look at him. I hold up the arm that's covered by the sleeve of my bodysuit, and grabbing the cuff I pull as hard as I can, grunting sexily with the effort. The sleeve finally separates from my shoulder and I twirl it over my head a few times before releasing it to fly away. He's totally impressed. I slowly start raising my legs straight up, and he's running over to me. I knew it. He wants me so bad. I playfully ruffle my hair with both hands, and suddenly his arms are coming at me even faster than the floor._

_Wait, the floor? Why is the floor coming up to meet me? I'm dangling from his strong, oily arms just inches from the floor. I realize what must have happened._

_"Shit, that hood's really slick," I say, and wink. Both eyes close, but it's okay. "My hood's pretty slick too, ifya know what I mean."_

_"Riiiight. I'mma just call over t' Moxxi's and see about you gettin' home, kay? Jus' sit tight."_

.

"Oh, yeah. I mean, no. No! What have you heard? Because it's not true." Maya babbled in panic.

Gaige snickered and looked at Scooter. "There's a story there, mark my words."

They strolled off, hand in hand, and Maya slunk along the walls of the buildings she passed, wishing she could blend in with them. This day couldn't possibly get any worse. It just couldn't. She had to have hit bottom by now. Nothing could ever possibly top not only waking up with Marcus, but hitting on Scooter, of all people. She cheered up a little at the thought, feeling better even though her body felt like she had gone ten rounds with a badass psycho.

Claptrap appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and wheeled up to her.

"Goooooooood morning, Minion! Thanks to you, I'm not nearly as lonely as usual! This is great!"

Maya stared at the obnoxious little robot, horrified beyond measure. He was covered in lipstick kisses, and she had a horrible feeling that she was well acquainted with that particular shade of blue.


End file.
